a cat's list of resolutions

• I am not allowed to eat the snake, and the snake is not allowed to eat me. I will learn to be at peace with this.
• I will not leap into the chair after mom has vacated it, and then bat at her behind when she attempts to sit back down.
• I will not puff my entire body up to twice its size for no apparent reason while the humans are watching horror movies.
• I will not sniff mom's feet after she takes her shoes off, freeze my mouth open in disgust and then sniff my butt to make sure it smells better. No matter how amusing it might be to others.
• I will not lean over into the tub to drink and fall in.
• I will not stand on the bathroom counter in the dark and growl at nothing after watching the X-files.
• I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late night snacks.
• I will not perch on the human's chests and stare into their eyes until they wake up.
• I will not play Herd of Stampeeding Wildebeests up and down the stairs at 3am.
• Screaming at the can of food does not make it open.
• I cannot leap through closed windows to chase the birds outside.
• I will not complain that my butt is wet and I am thirsty after sitting in the waterbowl.
• I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. I also will not bite and scratch when the humans have to wash the rubber cement off my paw.
• If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
• Some bugs don't like to be eaten, and will also bite back.
• It is not a good idea to try to drink boiling hot tea before the humans do.
• Just because I hear voices in my head doesn't mean that I have to answer them.
• When I am chasing my tail, and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite my foot. This hurts.
• If I stand directly behind the humans, I will get stepped on. It is not necessary to attack their ankles after this has happened, as it could have been avoided by not standing directly behind them.
• Just because it is blue and fuzzy doesn't mean its mine.
• Lit cigarettes are not fun to bat around the floor, because one end is really hot.
• Meowing at the wall doesn't accomplish anything. Even if the wall meows back.
• When it rains, it rains on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check each window to make sure.
• Birds do not come from the bird feeder. Knocking it down and trying to get the birds out will not work.
• Hiding inside the bird feeder with my tail hanging out of one side is not convincing enough for the birds to come back to the bird feeder.
• Yes, there is a snake in the aquarium. Its been there for six months. I don't have to act as if I've discovered the Demon Horror Of The Universe every time I see it.
• I will not play dead cat on the stairs when someone is carrying laundry, or else it might happen.
• When ther humans are typing on the computer, their arms are not hammocks.
• I will not swat mom's head repeatedly while she is doing situps on the living room floor.
• Computer screens to not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
• I am a walking static generator. The humans don't need my help when installing new components into the computers.
• The goldfish likes living in water, and should be allowed to stay there.
• I will not put live food in my bowl and expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
• I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement and deposit them on the bed, howling so that the humans can admire my kill.
• I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.
• I will not drag magnets, and the papers they are adhering to the refrigerator off the door and bat them underneath so that they stick to the bottom.
• I will not be mad at mom all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2am letting her know that she is forgiven and now can pet me.
• If I must scratch mom, I will not scratch her in a way that the cuts resemble a suicide attempt.
• If I am going to give gifts to overnight guests, toy mice are far more acceptable than live bugs, even if they aren't as tasty.
• I will NOT soak my catnip toys in my water dish to make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the kitchen floor. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. Making tea with smelly socks is not very effective after the catnip has been taken away.