Tuesday, January 04, 2005

weird news headlines of 2004

Now that another year has come and gone, it's time to review some of the more unusual news headlines from the past year.

Humming Sex Toy Shuts Australian Airport

A vibrating sex toy chucked into a rubbish bin at an Australian airport sparked a security alert that only ended when an embarrassed passenger came forward to claim what was identified as "an adult novelty device."

Claim as in identify? Or claim as in "Why, yes, that is my vibrating plastic dick, and I would like it back"?


Talking Toilet Orders German Men to Sit Down

A German inventor came up with a best-selling gadget that berates men if they try to use the toilet standing up, telling them: "Put the seat back down right away, you are definitely not to pee standing up."

Do it now! The seat will shut automatically on your member in 3...2...1...argh!!!


A Malaysian man shot his wife dead after he mistook her for a monkey picking fruit behind their house.

Did she really look that bad? Talk about a bad hair day. And the whole tail thing, if he had married her, he should have known about that.


A British train conductor stamped and carefully returned the ticket of a slumbering passenger without realizing the man was dead.

Upon closer inspection, the dearly departed passenger's ticket was stamped 32 times, and had been riding the train for 6 days.


A fervent evangelist who leapt into the lions' den at Taipei zoo and shouted "Jesus will save you" was lucky to escape with just a bite in the right leg when he tried to convert the king of beasts to Christianity.

What if they were Jewish lions and spoke only Hebrew?


A Zambian man hanged himself in shame after his wife rushed into their house to investigate a noise and found him having sex with a chicken. The chicken was slaughtered afterwards.

Reportedly, the chicken was not slaughtered, but also hanged itself in shame.

People do the damndest things, and with luck will continue to do so in the upcoming year, much to our amusement. As long as I don't end up as one of those headlines.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Tom here -

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I ferverently hope to avoid ending my days as a punchline to a joke.